Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
