And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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