either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
