Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
