just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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