I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
