well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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