You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
