pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize