I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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