I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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