I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
