Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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