apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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