My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
