Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I still have a little drunk in my system
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
