I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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