Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
