look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
