Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
