I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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