Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
