When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
