epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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