You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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