I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
