I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
