Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
