I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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