Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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