he wants to bone in the snuggie
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
