So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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