I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
