I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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