Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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