Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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