Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We are all done wearing pants today
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
