omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
