Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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