Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
