Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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