sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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