i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he puts the penis in happiness.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
