every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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