No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
