im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If that was your dad, he is hot
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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