who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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