So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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