I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't put those talents on a resume
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
