I murdered the dance floor call the cops
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
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i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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