2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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