look no pants
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
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looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.