My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
