I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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