She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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