Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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