3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
