I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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