I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
