I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
