I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
