my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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