My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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