I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
